Rincewind´s new job
by Mayan of Lancre
Summary: A little Harry Potter/Discworld crossover. Rincewind gets a new job... as a teacher at Hogwards... and the chaos begins. I changed the book category for the people here know the Disc. I would be happy if you would read and review.
1. Lesson one

Disclaimer: I do not own the characters you recognize from the Harry Potter books. They belong to J.K. Rowling. The things and persons you recognize from the Discworld series are not mine either. They belong to the great Terry Pratchett.  
  
A/N: This is a little Harry Potter/ Discworld crossover. I thought about what would happen if the world´s most stupid (or unlucky) wizard would start to teach DADA. This is the result. Warning: This story is the effect of no sleep, too much coffee and a lot of boredom. I appologize for all the errors and faults you´ll find, for English is not my maternal language. Still, I hope you enjoy (and review) it!  
  
Prologue  
  
It was September the first, the day Hogwards School for Witchcraft and Wizardry opend its gates after the summer break to welcome its pupils and teachers, new ones and old ones, but especially the new ones. And the first step of it all was the sorting. Harry, Ron and Hermione were sitting at their house´s table watching the ceremony. It was like evey year before. Children were called out by their names, put the hat on their head and then it said in which house they belonged in. After some time it was all over and the feast could almost begin. Almost.  
  
"Dear students."  
  
Prof. Dumbledore said, raising from his seat.  
  
"Now before we begin, it is my sad duty to inform you, that Prof. Moody will, for reasons known to all of you, not teach Defence agains the Dark Arts this year."  
  
There was a silent murmur.  
  
"Never the less, I am glad to tell, that I found a more than just capable replacemet for him. So please welcome Prof. Rincewind, your new Defence against the Dark Arts teacher."  
  
It was now that the pupils noticed the person sitting next to the headmaster. It was a tall man, wearing old, ragged robes, that maybe had a colour you could call red in former times, but now not even showed a sing of it. Here and there were occult, unrecognizable symbols made of palliets that decided not to shimmer anymore a long time ago.  
  
His face was unshaven even if you could figure out at the first look, that he definitly was not a man made for having a beard. On top of his head there was a hat, as shabby as his robes, with the word "wizzard" written on them with silvery gown. It seemed that the tailor did not have neither any information about grammar nor about how to use a needle. A little broken star formed the topping.  
  
The thinn man looked very miserable, in every way possible, but managed a nervous smile towards the crow after some time.  
  
"And this man will teach us this year?"  
  
Ron looked from Harry to Hermione.  
  
"I mean, look at him, not even prof. Lupin looked as miserable as he does. He seems to be the born looser and not a teacher."  
  
"Oh, come on Ron, give him a chance. He´s new, and maybe he just had a turbulent life before today."  
  
Said Hermione looking toward the teacher, but not sounding as confident as she wanted to. Harry looked in Rincewinds direction for some then turned to his friends.  
  
"Sorry Hermione, but somehow I have the feeling, that the wizarding world will be in great problems as soon as he´ll begin to teach."  
  
  
  
I. Lesson one: We get to know why languages are so important  
  
When Harry, Ron and Hermione entered the classroom with the rest of the Gryffindors, they very soon found out that it was, well, empty. The only unexpeted object was a huge wodden luggage that was standing in the corner of the room.  
  
"Seems he is not here."  
  
Said Harry sitting down at his desk.  
  
"Maybe he forgot about us."  
  
But just at that moment the door swung open and a tall figure stepped into the light.  
  
"Sorry, I had a little problem to wake up. The beds here, really the most comfortable I ever been sleeping in, honestly, but I thought I have to be awake on my first lesson, so I made some Klatchian coffee, and hell, now I really feel awake, and I think I will stay in such a state for the rest of the moth, dammit, well ehm..."  
  
He stopped looking into the puzzeld faces of his students.  
  
"Ehm, I think I forgot something, ehm, well, yes, I´m Rincewind, ehm prof. Rincewind, God how could I forget about that I´m a teacher now. If the Archchancellor could see me now, God he would not belive it. Oh, damn that stupid Klatichian coffee!"  
  
There was silence as Rincewind looked at the class for a second time.  
  
"Ehm, I think we should start, shouldn´t we? Well the most usefull way to protect yourself from any dark powers is,"  
  
He paused,  
  
"to run away. Believe me. Run. As fast as you can. Run, don´t look back, it will only cost time and if you see something really bad behinde you it will make you afraid, and tremble, and then it is over."  
  
A whisper was going through the class, when Rincewind ended his explanations. Suddenly one hand raised, a hand belonging to noone else than Hermione Granger.  
  
"Ehm, yes? Miss..."  
  
"Granger, Hermione Granger, and excuse me professor if I´m wrong, but it´s defence against and not running from the dark arts. You should teach us how to fight and not how to run."  
  
Rincewind gave her a stunned look.  
  
"I hope you know, Miss Granger, that defence kills you more often than it saves you. Non the less, you are maybe right, I should teach you how to,"  
  
He made a face like mentioning something very unpleasant,  
  
"defend yourself."  
  
With a shigh he turned towards the board.  
  
"Let´s start with something easy then. I think languages will do."  
  
With a dizzy move of his hand he took a pice of chalk and wrote some sentences on the board.  
  
"As you can see here, "  
  
He pointed at one of the sentences,  
  
"this is Klatchian. And this, Omnian, the onthers are Ephebian and, well I will teach you them later on. Now look at the sentences carfully. Do you know what they mean?"  
  
There was silence again. Not even Hermione tried to answer, for she didn´t know it.  
  
"I see, ehm, this is in fact all the same sentence, and it means: ´Don´t kill me!´ Now repeat it."  
  
After some seconds uf puzzlement the classbegan to speak. "Don´t kill me!"  
  
"Very good, and now the others. They all mean ´Help´. A realy usefull word. Come on, say it."  
  
"Help!"  
  
"I am really pround of you. Now write these sentences down, and learn them by heart. Really it is important..."  
  
Again there was a hand in the air.  
  
"Professor, but I thought defence is something else than crying for help."  
  
Rincewind gave Hermione a cold look.  
  
"Well, Miss Granger, I will tell you something, I am a really expirienced wizard, I was in nearly every country that exists on the Discword, I was hunted by canibals, beaten up by robbers, kidnapped by insane dragon keepers, thrown into prison, nearly executed, burned, drowned, exploded, eaten up by birds and killed by the stupidity of a damned man called Twoflower who claimed to be interested in forgein culture. I was in hell, in the past, I visited the nowhere quite unvoluterely and was even in Death´s Domain. Not to forget that I was raised up in Ankh-Morpork, was a member of the Unseen University, saw and touched the Octavo and survived it and even that bloody stupid formula that is still stuck in my head. And now you´ll question yourself why I am still alive, and I´ll tell you little Miss, it´s because of these two statements, and because of the great gift to be able to run."  
  
Suddenly there was a growling, coming from the corner.  
  
"Oh, and of course because of luggage. So now, I´ll tell you better to learn what I thought you or I will get really angry, amd I really shoul stop drinking this damned coffee. You are dismissed."  
  
And he walked out of the classroom.  
  
"Wow, that was really an interesting lesson, strange, but interesting."  
  
Said Ron as they got up.  
  
"But tell me one thing, what on earth is the Discworld?" 


	2. Lesson two

Disclaimer: I do not own the characters you recognize from the Harry Potter books. They belong to J.K. Rowling. The things and persons you recognize from the Discworld series are not mine either. They belong to the great Terry Pratchett.  
  
A/N: This is a little Harry Potter/ Discworld crossover. I thought about what would happen if the world´s most stupid (or unlucky) wizard would start to teach DADA. This is the result. In this chapter Rincewind gets to know the great Potions Master himself. Ehm, see yourself.  
  
Warning: This story is the effect of no sleep, too much coffee and a lot of boredom. I appologize for all the errors and faults you´ll find, for English is not my maternal language. Still, I hope you enjoy (and review) it!  
  
Lesson two: We get to know that it is wiser not to upset a luggage-owner  
  
It was later tis afternoon when Harry, Ron and Hermione entered the great hall for dinner.  
  
"This man is mad. If he will teach us for the rest of term, we will not even be able to protect ourselfs from a slug."  
  
"Really? Wasn´t it you, Hermione, who told us to give him achance? Maybe he just had a turbulent life, remember?"  
  
Said Ron sarcasricaly as he sat down at the table.  
  
"All right, I know these were my words, but I give in, I was wrong! This man is a catastrophe!"  
  
"Good that you see your faults!"  
  
"Ron, Hermione, please stop. I never thought I would ever say that, but Dumbledore was wrong when he hired him. But now, we need a plan to get rid of him. I don´t know how about you, but personally I want to be prepared for the challange against Voldemort, and this man is not able to teach us the things we need to know. We have only one real chance to survive in the future, and that is to kick Rincewind out of his job."  
  
The other two looked at Harry.  
  
"Don´t you think you theatralize a bit?" "Sure not Mione, I just want to be alive this time next year."  
  
"Well, let´s wait a bit, I mean, one lesson is not much, maybe he isn´t that dumb."  
  
Ron tried to smile. Suddenly loud steps were to be heared and a very angry Snape entered the hall.  
  
"I ask you, and I will only ask once, who of you was in my laboratory and stole the Imasis powder?"  
  
The potions master´s voice was as loud as thunder.  
  
"Answer me now and I will give you a less cruel punishment."  
  
But noone dared to say a word.  
  
"You leave me no other choice. If I have to use Vertiserum, I will, and believe me, the person who did it will be expelled as soon as I know his or her name."  
  
He turned to leave the hall again only to bump into the newly chosen teacher for the Defence against the Dark Arts. Rincewind.  
  
"Sorry."  
  
The wizard gave the potions master a shy smile then looked at the mug he was holding in his hand. "Oh damn! Thank you! Thank you, really! Now I have to make some new coffee."  
  
He exclaimed as his eyes wandert to the floor, where a small puddle of brown liquid was visible.  
  
Snape gave him a stunned look. Nobody ever talked to him like that.  
  
"And it was still hot!"  
  
Rincewind got on lamenting.  
  
"How do you dare to behave this respectless in front of me, Severus Snape, this school´s Potions teacher?"  
  
But the thin wizard seemed not to listen to him.  
  
"Do you even know how difficult it is to get some Klatchian coffee in this regions? I had to search for a bloody long time! Damn! Damn! DAMN!"  
  
At this moment Snape´s eyes widened and with a fast move he got the mug out of Rincewind´s hand.  
  
"You stole it!"  
  
He yelled at the DADA teacher in anger.  
  
"You stole my Imasis powder!"  
  
"Excuse me, what?" answered Rincewind suddenly interrupted in his monologue.  
  
"You little thief!"  
  
"Hey, I do not belong to the Thief´s guild, and therefore am not one. I would be crazy to break the law, because it really is not funny to be put into a prison filled with scorpios! Pickpocketing without official permission, licence and ID, this is ridiculous!"  
  
"What the hell are you talking about? Don´t you try to change the subject! You took my ingredients."  
  
Suddenly Rincewind seemed to remember something.  
  
"One moment, do you mean all the things standing in this much too dark, much to wet, and much to sticky room belonged to you?"  
  
"Yes indeed."  
  
Answered Snape in a cold voice.  
  
"Oh, I thought it was well, rubbish, waiting to be thrown away."  
  
"You thought what?"  
  
The whole hall was now watching the little fight the two teachers had.  
  
"It was standing neatly on a shelve, in a locked room!"  
  
"Yes, that´s ecactly why I thought it was rubbish. That´s how we used to get rid of the things we didn´t need at the Unseen Universtity. Sooner or later they dissapeared because of the magic that is all around the place. A very effective way to save the money you pay to recycle it. By the way, where did you get this Klatchian coffee from?"  
  
"It is no coffee, but Imasis powder! And what on earth is Klatch?! No, wait, I don´t want to know it."  
  
"Really? You know Klatch is very interesting. And the curries they make. Delicious! You should make a stop at the Curry Garden once you are In Ankh- Morpork. Really. It is worth trying. And their language. Very complex, but quite dirty, damn bloody hell, by the way, excuse my Klatchian."  
  
Snape was now looking at the wizard in confusion. Was this man insane or why did he talk that much? Why did he tell so much nonsense, and why on earth was he not afraid of him?  
  
"Shut up!"  
  
With a swift move Snape got his wand out of his pocket.  
  
"What about a duell to make this clear?"  
  
Suddenly Rincewind got silent.  
  
"Take your wand and fight, you looser!"  
  
"Ehm..."  
  
Rincewind gave the man he was standing face to face with a puzzeled look.  
  
"Excuse me, but I don´t have a wand."  
  
He said very slowly.  
  
"Then I would be very sorry if I was you."  
  
Rincewind swallowed.  
  
"Ehm. it was really nice to meet you, but, oh, I forgot a very importan appointment. Sorry, Gotta go!"  
  
He said, and began to run out of the hall, but Snape was faster and closed the door with a spell.  
  
"Please do me no harm! Don´t kill me!"  
  
The DADA teacher cried in shock when suddely something huge broke the doors of the grat hall.  
  
"What the hell is..."  
  
But Snape could not finish, for a big, wodden luggage was now standing on him. The box seemed to smile at Rincewind, although it did not have a face. Instead of that it had hundreds of little feet, that were now kicking Snape in the face.  
  
"Thanks. You really saved me."  
  
Rincewind said, his face white, his hands shaking.  
  
"Ehm, sorry for that chaos."  
  
He smiled at the crowd.  
  
"Come on luggage, what about a little walk to Hogsmead. Maybe we´ll finde something like the ´Drum."  
  
And with that word he left the hall followed by the luggage. Harry looked at Ron and Hermione.  
  
"I changed my minde. This man just became my personal hero."  
  
"Yes, "  
  
Said Hermione,  
  
"But he will be an even bigger hero if he survives until tomorrow when Snape is conscious again." 


	3. Lesson three

Disclaimer: I do not own the characters you recognize from the Harry Potter books. They belong to J.K. Rowling. The things and persons you recognize from the Discworld series are not mine either. They belong to the great (bows in respect for her God) Terry Pratchett  
  
A/N: This is a little Harry Potter/ Discworld crossover. I thought about what would happen if the world´s most stupid (or unlucky) wizard would start to teach DADA. This is the result. Warning: This story is the effect of no sleep, too much coffee and a lot of boredom. I appologize for all the errors and faults you´ll find, for English is not my maternal language. Still, I hope you enjoy (and review) it!  
  
Lesson three: We get to know that Voldemort is not as known as he thought  
  
When Rincewind entered the classroom he looked horrible.  
  
"´Mornig. One thing at the beginning. Pleeeeease try to talk as quiet as you can. I´m not that well and every sound makes me feel every single cell of my body."  
  
He walked slowly towards his desk and sat down.  
  
"Uhm, ok, what topic do we have today... I think the best one will be, `go back to your rooms and let me sleep.`"  
  
At this very moment Hermione´s hand raised. Rincewind gave her a begging look, but the hand remained where it was.  
  
"What? Miss Granger?"  
  
Rincewind´s voice sounded as if he was going to kill her any second.  
  
"But professor, ´you-know-who´ is getting more and more powerfull and you cancle our lesson just because of a hangover?"  
  
The thin wizard pulled his hands to his ears, trying to make Hermione´s voice sound a little less loud.  
  
"First, I don´t know who you are talking about, and second, yes, I cancel this lesson because of a very strong hangover. Just wait until you have your first one yourself."  
  
There was a sudden murmur in the classroom.  
  
"But you have to know HIM!"  
  
Hermione´s was starring at the DADA teacher in shock.  
  
"I mean, he is the most powerfull and dangerous wizard of the world. He killed hundreds of people, was gone and is regaining power again."  
  
Rincewind just shock his head.  
  
"Sorry, don´t know what you are talking about."  
  
"Damn hell, I´m talking about VOLDEMORT!"  
  
"Vol-who?"  
  
There was a sudden silence in the room  
  
"How wonderfull, if you could keep that silence for a bit..."  
  
Said Rincewind dreamily, but was soon interrupted by hushed whisperes.  
  
"But that´s impossible, you are making jokes, aren´t you? You have to know who Voldemort is!"  
  
"How often do I have to tell you! I don´t know! I know lots of dangerous wizards. I mean, a wizard wearing a black leather jacket with the words ´Born to rune´ written on it, shouting ´yo,yo,yo!´all the time really is dangerous for his surroundings. Or what about a wizard in a wheel chair who is dead already but is still walking around and who is a member of the ´fresh start club´? I´m only waiting for him to jump and sing ´let me rest in peace´! Or have you ever met Twoflower? Yes I know the name sounds innocent, but the man is just the opposite of that word. See all those bruises I have? I got most of them while I was traveling with him, because he was so keen on making pictures of drangons, murderers, robbers, witches, wild animals and other monsters! And of course not to forget the Patrician. Vetinari. Scorpios and rats... Oh God. I feel sick."  
  
Rincewind took a deep breath.  
  
"What would I give for a cup of Klatchian coffee..."  
  
"I think he is mental."  
  
Whispered Ron to Harry, giving the teacher a weird look.  
  
"Klatchian coffee... Oh yes..."  
  
With a glow in his eyes the thin wizard sat down at his desk.  
  
"Professor, sorry, but do I get the picture, you are here to teach us how to defend ourselfs against a wizard you don´t even know that exists. Excuse me, but this is terribly stupid."  
  
"Miss Granger, I don´t care that you think that this is stupid. I know much more than you do, and when I have prooven that you will shut up, all right!"  
  
Yelled Rincewind touching his head, regreting that he had shouted at the same moment.  
  
"Ouch, I really need some coffee!"  
  
"O.k, then proove it. Because, to be honest, I want to be still alive at my gratuation."  
  
Said a blonde boy, now standing up and giving Rincewind an angry stare.  
  
"And who are you?"  
  
"My name is Malfoy, Draco Malfoy. And..."  
  
"Nice, but please try to keep your voice down, my head seems to explode. Well, ok, you are talking about a dark wizard I don´t even know. Now I will show you something that will really scare you. Belive me, no importance how dangerous that Volde-something that you are talking about non stop is, this is much worse!"  
  
With slow moves he went towards the wodden luggage.  
  
"Please."  
  
He said pleeding as the lid of the box opened. The class was watching him in surprise. What the hell was he planing to do? But it did not take much time to make them find out.  
  
"O.k, now this is the ritual of Askh Ente."  
  
"And what is the ritual of Askh Ente?"  
  
Asked Hermione in a cold voice.  
  
"Well, in fact I am going to call Death with it."  
  
"Death?"  
  
The cry echoed in Rincewind´s head.  
  
"Please, be quieter. For my head´s sake! Or give me Klatchian coffee, but stop this torture! Yes, Death, I´m sure you´ll have a few questions for him, eh?"  
  
"Sorry professor, but what do you mean with ´him´?"  
  
The girl seemed terrified, amking the wizard sigh..  
  
"Well, I mean Death, you know the Reaperman, the end of everything, big, boney, wears a black cloak, Death."  
  
"But professor, death is something that happens to you, and it is not a human being."  
  
Rincewind could do nothing but sigh again.  
  
"Well, right I would not call him human, for he is not, but he is a person, and believe me he can be very, well, creepy. He talks quite to much, especially when you have the ´luck´ to meet him in a pup and he tries to get himself drunk."  
  
The class looked at their teacher in disbelieve.  
  
"You mean, you´ve met him?"  
  
Ron asked eventually and Voldemort seemed to be completely forgotten.  
  
"Well, sad to say but yes, and not only once. To be honest I met him more often than I ever desired. Too often if you ask me."  
  
A sound of amazement filled the room.  
  
"What is he like?"  
  
"Well, he is creepy, how I said. He talks far too much, tries to understand humanity. That can get really boreing. Oh and he is kind uf stubborn. He was after me for a long time, but gave up after a while, or at least I hope so."  
  
Again Herminoe´s hand raised.  
  
"But professor, how could you possibly see ´him´?"  
  
"It´s because I´m a bloody wizard! That´s why! Yes, yes, you will be able to see him too. He will come in person to get you because you are magical folk. Very nice, isn´t it."  
  
"You mean, he wanders around all the time?"  
  
Ron´s face was full of fear.  
  
"Well, yes and no. He wanders a lot. Looks if everything is all right here and there. But how I said, sometimes you can find him in a pup. That can turn out to be very funny, because you drink one beer after the other and of course get drunk immediately, he can drink all of the liquids you find in the pup, including washingwater and ratpoison, and believe me, he will feel fine, no changes really. Only sometimes, but that is very seldom. Oh damn, why does this remaind me of my head. Bloody hangover. But I think you shoul see it yourselves."  
  
He made something the pupils could not see and suddenly a dark figure appeared.  
  
  
  
A/N: Thanx for the reviews. I hope I fixed the look of this a bit by now. Ehm... I know this could be better, still keep reading and review to make me happy. Pleeeeease!!! It´s going to be better, I promise. 


	4. Lesson four

Disclaimer: I do not own the characters you recognize from the Harry Potter books. They belong to J.K. Rowling. The things and persons you recognize from the Discworld series are not mine either. They belong to the great (bows in respect for her God) Terry Pratchett  
  
A/N: This is a little Harry Potter/ Discworld crossover. I thought about what would happen if the world´s most stupid (or unlucky) wizard would start to teach DADA. This is the result. Warning: This story is the effect of no sleep, too much coffee and a lot of boredom. I appologize for all the errors and faults you´ll find, for English is not my maternal language. Still, I hope you enjoy (and review) it!  
  
  
  
Lesson four: We get to know that Death can bring you luck  
  
The class was looking at the hooded figure, not speaking.  
  
"Class, that´s Death."  
  
The black figure turned towards Rincewind. It´s face showed no real emotions exept of a huge grin, but if you are a skeleton there is nothing you can do about that.  
  
"RINCEWIND."  
  
There was a voice, everybody could hear it, but somehow it did not take the way to you brain by going through the ears. It simply appeared in your head, not loosing time by travelling through the air.  
  
"I HOPED NOT SEE YOU UNTIL I HAVE TO."  
  
Death said simply.  
  
"To be honest I had the same hope."  
  
Answered Rincewind.  
  
"But I thought that these children need some education."  
  
"I SEE."  
  
"And then I had the great idea. The ritual of Askh Ente. It would show them the real dark side."  
  
"COULD YOU HURRY UP? I HAVE SOME VISITS TO MAKE TODAY."  
  
"Sorry... Oh, wait, this is the great ritaul of."  
  
"OF ASKH ENTE. I KNOW."  
  
"As long as you are in the circle, you are imprisoned."  
  
He pointed at the lines on the floor.  
  
"And, you can do me no harm."  
  
He added eventually with a very wide smile.  
  
"IF YOU THINK THAT YOU ARE ABLE TO BLACKMAIL ME..."  
  
"No, really, never."  
  
"THEN ASK YOUR QUESTIONS. I HAVE ALSO OTHER APPOINTEMENTS TODAY:"  
  
"Well then... To be honest, I know everything I want to know."  
  
"THEN WHY DO YOU BOTHER ME?"  
  
""Because my questions are unimportant. Come on class. Ask Death whatever you desire."  
  
The pupils that watched the scene in silence looked at Death in fear.  
  
"Come on, he will not kill you. Ehm, not now."  
  
"I DON´T KILL PEOPLE. I ONLY PART BODY AND SOUL AFTER THEY ARE DEAD ALREADY. THAT`S A DIFFERENCE."  
  
"Yeah, whatever."  
  
Rincewind let his eyes wander from one pupil to another, hoping for them to say something. And then it happend, a hand raised into the air.  
  
"Miss Granger?"  
  
He gave her a smile.  
  
"If you are Death, how can you be here with us? People are dieing all the time. You can´t simply be here and everywhere else."  
  
"I CAN."  
  
"But this is physicaly impossible."  
  
"I AM NOT BOUND TO ANY RULES OF PHYSICS."  
  
There was another moment of silence, before Ron raised his hand.  
  
"Do you ride a burning horse like it is showen in all those books?"  
  
"NO. I HAVE BINKEY. I HAD A BURNING HORSE ONCE, BUT IT CAUSED A FIRE IN THE STALLS."  
  
"Who is Binkey?"  
  
"BINKEY IS MY HORSE."  
  
"Is it alive?"  
  
"YES."  
  
Suddenly the door opened and somebody entered the room.  
  
"Rincewind! I want an apology for that, that... THING in the great hall! And I want revange! Did you really think you could behave like that, talking with me like that?"  
  
Rincewind gave the potion´s teacher a shy smile.  
  
"Hello Severus. Do you want to join us, were are asking Death some questions."  
  
Snape gave him a cold look.  
  
"Death? Now you are going totaly crazy..."  
  
But his voice faded when his eyes met the huge hooded skeleton that was standing near the window, a scythe in it´s hand.  
  
"SEVERUS SNAPE."  
  
"Oh my God. He is here to get me!"  
  
The teacher exclaimed.  
  
"What did I do to desereve this? And so soon?"  
  
"I ASSURE YOU..."  
  
"No! Stay away from me! I don´t want to die!"  
  
"BUT..."  
  
"I have such a wonderfull life! Don´t kill me!"  
  
"I DON´T..."  
  
"Be silent!"  
  
Shouted Rincewind, aware that he had the potion´s master in his hands.  
  
"Go away, creature of the dark! Leave this place! I, Rincewind the Great command you to!"  
  
At that moment Death dissapeared.  
  
"You just saved my life Rincewind."  
  
Snape said shakily.  
  
"Yeah, I know."  
  
"How can I thank you?"  
  
"Ehm, what about if we forget that little incident in the great hall?"  
  
Severus only nodded.  
  
"And... You will give me as much Klatchian coffee as I want."  
  
"It´s still Imasis Powder, but o.k."  
  
Rincewind grinned. That was definetely the high point of his day. Suddenly his attention was captured by a little rat. No it was not really a rat. It was the skeleton of a rat. And it wore a black robe, and a minature scythe.  
  
"Oh God, I begin to haluzinate again."  
  
He whispered.  
  
"Severus? Could you give me some Klatichan coffee right now? I don´t feel that well after defeating Death."  
  
"Sure. Everything you want."  
  
With these words Snape left the room.  
  
Rincewind sank back onto his seat at the table.  
  
"I really should stop drinking."  
  
He muttered.  
  
"All those halluzinations. I begin to see rats in cloakes. Damn it!"  
  
"I always knew that this damn ritaul had side effects."  
  
"SQUEAK!"  
  
The rat was now looking at Rincewind in amusement.  
  
"I need coffee. I need a bed. I need some sleep and I need to find a way back to Ankh-Morpork... I really feel sick.... Morpork roads, take me home, to the place I belong. wets Ephebene, Klatchian mama, take me home, Morpork roads...."  
  
"Ehm, professor?"  
  
Rincewind looked up at Hermione and smiled weirdly.  
  
"You are not halluzinating. There is a rat in a robe. A black robe. And it has a scythe."  
  
"And it seems to be dead."  
  
Added Ron, but noone cared. The class was now starring at their singing teacher.  
  
"Somebody get Mme Pomfrey! Quick!"  
  
Shouted Hermione while Rincewind began to gaze into nowhere.  
  
The hangover and Death together were simply too much for him. No, not Death himself, but this little, bloody rat. It was grinning at him and waving  
  
"Oh my God."  
  
Moned Rincewind before everything went blank.  
  
When Rincewind woke up, he was lying in the hospital wing.  
  
"Yous should really stop drinking!"  
  
Were the first words he heared, and somehow, even if the voice that was now echoing through the whole room was sounding harsh, Rincewind smiled. There was a steaming cup of coffee on his bedside table and a very good looking brekfast. Life was not that bad at all. Especially if you had Death on your side.  
  
Well at least if other poeple were thinking you had.  
  
Oh, and not to forget a hangover potion.  
  
A/N: Thanx to my reviewers. You keep me going on. THANK YOU! I hope this chapter was a little better than the last one. But I´ll try to get better... I should really start ro read "The last Continent". More Rincewind ;) Hehe, and other Discworld characters will appear soon (If you know the Disc, please tell me who you want to see)... So beware... 


	5. Lesson five

Disclaimer: I do not own the characters you recognize from the Harry Potter books. They belong to J.K. Rowling. The things and persons you recognize from the Discworld series are not mine either. They belong to the great (bows in respect for her God) Terry Pratchett.  
  
A/N: This is a little Harry Potter/ Discworld crossover. I thought about what would happen if the world´s most stupid (or unlucky) wizard would start to teach DADA. This is the result. Warning: This story is the effect of no sleep, too much coffee and a lot of boredom. I appologize for all the errors and faults you´ll find, for English is not my maternal language. Still, I hope you enjoy (and review) it!  
  
Lesson five: We get to know that Klatchian coffee can be very dangerous  
  
With a big smile on his face, Rincewind made his way down to the dungeons. It has been days since anything had attacked or hurt him. Wonderful days, full of peace and now he needed only one more thing to be completely happy. A big cup (as long as you could call a thimble big) of Klatchian coffee.  
  
"Severus?"  
  
He asked, knocking on the door that led to the potions master´s domicile.  
  
"Come in."  
  
"´Morning. Well, I thought it would be nice to drink some coffee, you know, so I decided to come down..."  
  
"Here."  
  
Snape cut him.  
  
"You know that you ruin my supplies at this very moment, Rincewind."  
  
The thin wizard gave Severus a theatralical look.  
  
"Well, yes, I´m sorry. Really. Let´s forget about it all."  
  
"Good!"  
  
"I´ll go back to my rooms and wait until DEATH gets me..."  
  
Rincewind pronounced his last words very clear, regarding Snape´s reactions. And of course it worked.  
  
"All right, all right. Here! Take it! I don´t need it, and now go!"  
  
"Thank you Severus, you are really a great man."  
  
Said Rincewind grinning and turned only to look into the face of a woman. A very angry woman.  
  
"Did you see a rat in here somewhere. It´s small, wears a black cloak and a scythe."  
  
"Eh, well..."  
  
"DID YOU SEE IT OR NOT?"  
  
Now the voice of the woman changed. It was there, but somehow it did not make it´s way through the air, but manifested itself in the brain. This was not a normal voice, not it was the voice of... Rincewind swallowed. The voice of Death. But the woman in front of him did not look like Death. Of course she was wearing black, but she was human. Or at least she seemed human.  
  
"Who are you, and what do you want in my dungeons?"  
  
Rincewind looked back at Snape who gave the woman a furious stare.  
  
"I am Susan Sto Helit. And believe me, I don´t like people talking to me like that."  
  
"Get out of my rooms!"  
  
"I DON´T INTEND TO LEAVE UNTIL I HAVE THE RAT."  
  
"Last time I saw it, it was in my classroom."  
  
Said Rincwind with the hope Snape would shut up as fast as possible. Sto Helit. That ment she was powerfull. Maybe even very powerfull.  
  
"And where is your calssroom?"  
  
"Two floors above the dungeons."  
  
"Oh wait, until I find you, Death of rats. You will be very sorry then."  
  
Susan mumbeled and left Snape and Rincewind in the door.  
  
"Who was that woman?"  
  
Asked Snape in a very ridculous voice.  
  
"Susan Sto Helit."  
  
"I heard her name, Rincewind, but who is she?"  
  
"Death´s grand-daughter."  
  
An high voice shrieked and a black raven with the Death of rats on it´s back landed on Rincewind´s shoulder.  
  
"The grand- daughter of whom?"  
  
The potions master repeated.  
  
"Death. You know. Big, black, boney, has a scythe."  
  
"Oh my god, oh my god, oh my god..."  
  
With a loud thund Rincewind let himself sit down on the floor.  
  
"I knew the rat was a bad sign. No, an omen!"  
  
The thin wizard sighed.  
  
"An omen that was sent to tell me, that I am needed in Ankh-Morpork again!"  
  
He stood up, trying to look very dramatical.  
  
"Well, I have to go. I wish you luck Severus, send me a postcard from heaven or wherever it is you will go after you died."  
  
And with these words he began to run only to hit the closed door to the dungeons and fall unconscious onto the floor 10 seconds later.  
  
"I think we should forget him at the moment."  
  
Crocked the raven looking at Snape who only muttered, "Why do I have the feeling that since this man came to Hogwards everything is going crazy."  
  
"Well, dunno."  
  
Answered the bird.  
  
"By the way, I´m Quoth and this is the Death of rats. Do you have any sheep´s eyes in here?"  
  
He added peering around the room.  
  
"No!"  
  
Snape shouted.  
  
"Well, you could try to be a little nicer to me!"  
  
"SQUIEK!"  
  
"I´m not going to be polite to a raven!"  
  
"SQUIEK!"  
  
"Nor to a rat!"  
  
"I´ve never seen such a rude person!"  
  
"I don´t care! Oh damn, I´m talking with a bird!"  
  
"SQUIEK!"  
  
"And with a rat! I shouldn´t have worked so long last night. My doctor was right, spending the whole time in the dungeons is not very healthy."  
  
Suddenly a person appeared through the wall, and it was not one of the school´s ghosts.  
  
"I knew you were somewhere in here Death of rats."  
  
The angry voice of Susan Sto Helit echoed through the room.  
  
"SQUIEK!"  
  
"HE wants to see you! Now!"  
  
"SQUIEK!"  
  
"The rat says that he has some things to do before he goes. You know, mice and hamsters that died."  
  
"Then hurry up, I don´t like to be involved in all this. Oh damn all his mid-life-crisises!"  
  
With a sigh she turned and disappeared, soon followed by Quoth and the Death of rats.  
  
"But, but... You... can´t... apparate inside the ... Hogward´s grounds..."  
  
Snape stammered gazing at the now free space.  
  
"If you say the word idylic once more, I´m going to kill you Twoflower! I swear!"  
  
The potions master turned slowly to Rincewind who was recover from his phisical absence.  
  
"Nice you´re back."  
  
"Whatever you say Archchacellor."  
  
Giving the wizard a tired look Severus vanished into his office only to return some seconds later with two mugs of coffee.  
  
"Here."  
  
He said putting the mug into Rincewind´s hands.  
  
"Drink it you hero."  
  
"Thank you."  
  
Rincewind took a large sip and smiled.  
  
"Hot Klatichan coffee. I´m going to make a new religion for you my bitter goddes."  
  
"Rincewind?"  
  
Snape followed Rincewind´s example and took a sip too.  
  
"Mhm?"  
  
"What do you think? Will she like roses?"  
  
"What?"  
  
"I asked you if you think that she will like roses."  
  
"What?"  
  
"Do I have to repeate it a third time?"  
  
"What?"  
  
"She, roses, to like, understand?"  
  
"Do you mean Death´s grand-daughter?"  
  
"No, I mean Mme. Pomfrey."  
  
"Good, because I neraly thought..."  
  
"Of course Death´s grand- daughter!"  
  
Snape cut him and his expression became dreamily.  
  
"She is just perfect. That character, that looks, that voice."  
  
"That family! Are you totaly crazy??? She is not a common woman! She is HIS grand- daughter! And you don´t even know her! You´ve seen her once!"  
  
"Do you know her adress?"  
  
"Did you hear what I said?"  
  
"Or maybe where she works?"  
  
"Discworld to Snape, Discworld to Snape! Do you listen to me? She is Susan Sto Helit! She is related with Death! She is able to go through walls! She is not the common type of woman."  
  
"I know. That makes her so special."  
  
"You are completely mental."  
  
"I think 13 roses will do, or maybe 27?"  
  
"Ehm..."  
  
Rincewind looked at Snape for a moment.  
  
"What are you drinking?"  
  
"Blood red is the best I think... Er this coffee- something you drink all the time."  
  
"Klatchian coffee? But you are not used to it!"  
  
"Or better black? Do you think she would like black roses?"  
  
"Let´s talk when you can think a little less clear."  
  
Said Rincewind and left Snape, who was still keeping on his monologue, in the dungeons. He needed something to drink. And surely no Klatchian coffee. Not now.  
  
And with a meery smile he made his way to Hogsmead and the "Three Broomsticks", hopeing Snape would be sane enough to mix him a hangover potion the next day.  
  
A/N: Thanx to all my reviewers. You keep me going on with this. THANK YOU! 


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